Empty

Empty. That’s how I feel. Or don’t feel, because there’s nothing to be felt. My eyes lost their sparkle and my lips haven’t smiled in such a long time.

It’s spring and all of the nature is waking up from its long winter slumber. But not me. I’m looking at the trees and flowers which are about to bloom, and birds coming back home from their long journey. I’m looking, but I can’t see a thing. I don’t see their beauty. I don’t see anything special about them. And I bet that if I picked a flower I wouldn’t be able to appreciate its smell. I wouldn’t even care about the fact that I had just killed an innocent plant, and I would just toss it by the road, leaving it to rot.

Empty. My body. My head. My thoughts are long gone and my mind is silent. I stopped thinking about my life, about my friends, about things that make me happy. If there even is such a thing that make me feel happiness again. There is only void that needs to be filled, but I’ve got nothing to fill it up with.

Empty. My coffee cup also needs to be refilled. Maybe I can use that hot liquid to spill all over my face and wake myself up along with my emotions. I don’t know if they’re asleep or simply gone for good. But I don’t seem to be phased by either of those choices.

Empty. My lungs now too. I can’t breathe. All the air is gone and my whole body is numb. But I don’t feel the need to fight it. I surrender myself completely to whatever is controlling me right now without a second thought.

It’s spring and all of the nature is waking up from its long winter slumber. But not me. I’m falling asleep. And the one feeling that comes back to me in this very moment is hope. Hope that I will not wake up.

 

 

// inspired by tyler joseph’s album “no phun intended”. twenty one pilots generally help me go through hard times and i will never write anything that is good enough to show how much good they’ve done for me and how grateful i am for their music and existence //

Cold

A breath in. A breath out. He’s peacefully lying beside me with his eyes half closed, about to drift off. It’s 3am and the moon shines bright over the city as soft music is playing in the background. We’re sharing a pillow but our bodies don’t touch even though mine is longing for it to be so. I try so hard to restrain myself from laying my head on his chest and listening to his heart beating. I want him to stroke my hair slowly as we both fall asleep, but that never happens. Instead, he tightens his grip on the blanket, pulling it to his neck and closes his eyes falling asleep without me. I stay awake, staring at that same neck imaging my lips leaving kiss marks all over it. When I’m sure he’s fast asleep I lose the battle with self-control and put my arm over him. He feels it, and I hope that he will get closer to me and wrap me in his own. Again, he does the opposite. He pushes my arm off of him, turning his back to me and continuing his rest. Instead of covered in a blanket, my body is now only covered in cold air. I’m lying there feeling icebound both on the outside and on the inside, not because the air was cold, but because he was. Towards me.

Ordinary

So many great opportunities passed me by over the years, and only now have I realized why. Because I’m a stupid self-judging idiot. I’m the type of girl who will look at a person she likes and see all these little details like the way his cheeks turn reddish when he laughs, the way he fixes his hair when it falls over his eyes or the way he quietly hums his favorite songs when he thinks no one’s looking. But then, I will stand in front of a mirror and see absolutely nothing special. Just an ordinary 19-year-old girl, living an ordinary life, studying an ordinary language at an ordinary university. Too ordinary to be good enough for anyone.

But is it really too much to ask for someone who will find me more than just ordinary? Someone who sees all these adorable little details I see in everyone around me, but no one dares to acknowledge about me? I’m not asking for the world. I don’t need the world. I need someone who will think my laugh is contagious and my hugs are warm and my lips fit perfectly onto theirs. Someone to find it cute how I bite my lower lip when something’s confusing me or how I try to sing along to a song I don’t know the words to or how my hands are never cold because I’m always holding a cup of hot coffee.

Coffee might be what got me into this mess in the first place. That small coffee shop in a big city full of big, important people. I never knew what it was so special about it, but I guess, all of the while it was him. He was one of the important people. Not in a suit-and-tie kind of way, not in a “he’s going to change the world” kind of way. But I was hoping he would change mine.

Nothing But a Fairy Tale

Being in love is hard enough, but being in love with a person who is in love with somebody else is every single definition of hell there is. Have you ever felt it? Have you ever wanted to feel somebody’s lips on your own when you knew they were already kissing someone else? Have you ever felt that painful punch in your heart after seeing them holding hands thinking yours would fit more comfortably? Or wanted to cry after seeing sparks in their eyes knowing yours sparkled even brighter when you saw that person smile or laugh? Have you ever imagined yourself lying beside him on grass on a warm spring day as you watched the clouds hover over your intertwined fingers and your head on his shoulder? Or kissing passionately in the pouring rain after intentionally missing the last bus home? Or drinking your morning coffee on a cold winter’s day in his favorite hoodie by the window as he laid between your legs with his head on your chest listening to your heartbeat. A real fairy tale, with the person he’s actually in love with as the main villain. But you don’t hate her. You just wish you were her. You wish it were you who he held at night, or prepared breakfast for or thought about before falling asleep with a smile on his face because he knew you were all his and nobody else’s. But you fall asleep with tears in your eyes instead of a smile and you drink your morning coffee alone, without his hoodie, but with a cigarette in between your lips wishing he would eventually realize how much he means to you and praying one day you will mean to him just as much.

Kiss Me Until I Forget How Terrified I Am of Everything Wrong with My Life

I’ve been single for over a year now, not counting those one night stands or guys I’ve been with for only a couple of days. And lately, it seems like I’m constantly surrounded by couples, people who are kind of in a relationship or people who have someone they’re crushing on or are in the process of hooking up. I can’t say it bothers me, but I also can’t say I don’t care at all. Because I do.

I’m trying to convince myself that I’m lucky I don’t have a boyfriend at this time because I’m the busiest I’ve ever been in my life. I’m a high school senior preparing to go to college next October, I have so much stuff to get done for school: essays, projects, tests, exams… I can’t even begin to explain. Then there’s activism in which I’m extremely involved and which I love so much to give it up. And, of course, friends. So, how can I afford to have a boyfriend when I can barely function with everything I already have on my plate? At least that’s what I’m telling myself every goddamn day praying I will eventually start believing in what I’m saying. But I don’t.

There are situations when I find myself hanging out with a couple, and they’d star making out there in front of me, which usually doesn’t bother me, but now, when it happens, a thought appears in my mind: Why don’t I have this? It’s not that I get jealous; it’s just that I want the same thing.

The other day, a group of friends decided we should go to a nearby café where you can play pool, air hockey and other similar games. Some people cancelled last minute, so I ended up there with two other couples. We chose to play pool, and guess what? There were an odd number of people. I was quick to step back and let them play as I sat back at our table sipping on my coffee and lighting one cigarette after another. They were playing a couple versus a couple, and every time someone made a shot they’d kiss to celebrate, or they would make a decision together on what move to make next or do some other adorable couple-y things I don’t have the courage to admit I actually like and crave. This was a moment when I actually figured out my excuses for not wanting a boyfriend at this time in my life are actually bullshit. I do want a boyfriend. I want a long, strong relationship, one of those you see in movies, but a tad more realistic. I know I’m super busy, but that’s exactly why I need a person next to me. I need him to tell me I’m not alone and that I’m gonna make it and that everything will turn out just fine. I need him to spend time with me and kiss me until I forget how terrified I am with everything wrong with my life and everything that is about to come. I need him to be that one constant thing in my life now that everything is about to turn upside down and I don’t know if that change is gonna be for better or for worse.

And I know exactly who I want. The only problem is, he doesn’t want me back.

Expectation Is the Root of All Heartache

I’m very quick to befriend people, become close with them, trust them; especially if they show me trust first.

About a month ago, I met a guy at a five-day seminar and we instantly clicked, had fun, realized we had so much in common. A weeks later I found out a really big secret of his. We talked about it. He became so relaxed afterwards and told me he feels a lot better now that I know.

Meanwhile, I was dealing with some stuff myself. I distanced myself from everyone around me, I was alone as much as I could, thinking. I have about three weeks to decide what I’m gonna do with my life and I haven’t got a clue, which only adds up to some other confusing problems that have been giving me nightmares for about 4 years now. I don’t talk about those with people. I just keep them hidden somewhere in the back of my mind or write about them on the pages I later burn. So, after thinking about it for days, in my bed, at the bus station, in the middle of a class – I finally decided to talk with him about it. I figured he went through similar situations, and if there is a person in my life who would understand, it would be him.

But, just like everyone else, he disappointed me before I even got the chance to open my mouth. He was another proof of how stupid I’m being when it comes to judging people. You see, when I meet a new person, I tend to ignore every bad trait about them and focus on the good. I like to think those tainted features are just something that catches my eye at first, and I still need to give them a chance, to get to know them better before I learn how amazing and caring they actually are. Everyone thinks this makes me a good person, when in fact it just makes me dumb because people are rarely what we want or expect them to be. They’re most likely to turn out mean, selfish and corrupted. Some more than others. That’s why I need to learn how to focus on bad instead of good, because when people surprise you, it’s always better to expect the worst and get the best than vice versa.

Not Feeling Like a Part of the Group

Do you ever start thinking about your certain friendships and figure out you never actually felt like a part of the group?

I have three best friends that I recently figured weren’t that at all. We’re a weird group, every one of us is unique in our own way, but I sure stand out. I’m different from them in so many ways. They’re all skinny, always dressed to impress with perfect make up. On the other hand, I’m overweight, self-conscious, and I hate dresses more than anything in the world. They spend their money on fancy clothes and beauty products while I spend mine on books and scented candles. They love spending Saturday nights in clubs while I prefer staying in and watching TV shows. They’re always caught up in boy drama while I’m always befriending guys because I’m afraid of rejection if I ever fall for one.

I don’t feel comfortable in my own skin around them.

It’s not that we don’t get along or that they don’t love me. That’s out of the question. It’s just that I’m really good at hiding how much all the differences bother me and my ‘’I’m fine’’ is so believable that sometimes even I have trouble deciding if there really is a problem or if I’m making it up. But recently, I attended a seminar where I made 20 new friends that are totally different from my group and I never felt bad with them around. When I’m with them I feel important, I feel like my differences are what makes me special and I feel appreciated for once. I’ve never felt as happy as I did at that seminar. It was 5 days of constant smiles, laughter and fun. Something I haven’t had in a long while. Now, I like spending time with those people more than my three so-called best friends.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately, and I should probably tell them how I feel. They noticed that I’m kind of avoiding them and that I’m acting strange, but I just don’t have the guts. I wish they would understand what’s happening just by my behavior, but that is unlikely to happen.

Give Her a Chance

It was around midnight when I decided to go to bed since I was exhausted due to staying up late and getting up early for the past couple of days. But, as usual, I couldn’t fall asleep right away and I started thinking about the guy I liked and the reasons why we weren’t together. First thought that came to my mind was the fact that we are, in fact, pretty similar and have numerous things in common. We both like reading books, watching TV shows, playing board games. We both enjoy Chinese food and a cup of tea on a cold winter’s day.

So, why doesn’t he like me then?

The answer is, of course, complicated, but the first reason that popped into my head was the way I look. I cannot lie, I’m not even close to what guys find attractive nowadays. I’m overweight, I don’t have the longest nor the shiniest hair, the whitest teeth or the nicest butt. This got me thinking about the question most girls (and boys) my age struggle with – why do looks play the most important role when it comes to liking a person?

People can say they don’t care about looks all they want, but they’re only fooling themselves with that statement. Let’s say a guy’s at a party. Will he rather approach a girl in a tight red dress and high heels, or the one with classes who doesn’t have a tight gap? Chances are he will go for the hottie. This bothers me, because why not give a girl a chance just because she is not the most beautiful person in the club?

I used to be very insecure person a few years back. I would lock myself in my room just because I didn’t like what I saw in the mirror, I had about two friends and no social life at all. But with time, I learned how to be confident and now I can proudly say that I consider myself a good person. I’m smart, caring, funny, ambitious, hard-working… just like any other girl. So, why is that not enough? Why do guys push girls aside just because they don’t have a flat stomach or don’t wear hot dresses? Then they end up with a girl who does, just to complain about her awful behavior and lack of understanding or support.

You can have that. You can have understanding and support and laughs and fun times. You just need to think less about the way a girl looks and more about the way she acts. Maybe she is not the most beautiful person on the outside, but believe me, she is on the inside. A girl who gets pushed aside actually understands what you want in a relationship. She understands because she wants the same thing. You just need to give her a chance. Please, give her a chance.

Guilty of Not Acting Like a Grown-Up

For the past couple of years, I’ve felt like the only mature one in my group of friends. I was always the one with advice, always the one thinking things through, being cautious. But now everyone seems more grown-up and with more experience than me. It got me confused. It made me wonder what the hell happened.

Nowadays, I seem to be so uninterested in ‘’serious’’ problems they deal with, or important topics they talk about. Whenever those conversations occur I always shut myself down, and I’m just kind of there. I’m not saying I don’t care about my friends anymore, far from it, but I still don’t understand what this thing I feel is.

I crave to be alone a lot more than I used to, and because different reasons. Before, it was a way for me to regain energy and think, but now I just sing along too loudly to silly songs and watch stupid cartoons. It feels like I stopped growing up and now I’m going backwards, and for some reason it seems like an awful thing to do.

I feel extremely guilty of simply not acting like a grown-up.

I sit there in my room and lose myself in the lives of my favorite TV and book characters not caring about my own. I imagine myself in their remarkable universes, dealing with their horrifying problems instead of mine. I ignore any kind of responsibility and bring down all my worries to just two – what show to play next? and which cat to cuddle with?

I compared my life from a year ago to the one I’m living now and I see absolutely no similarities.

I should be worried about where I’m going and what I’m doing. But I’m not. I just don’t know if I should re-watch One Tree Hill or start watching Hannibal instead.

We Should All Be More Like Ms. Evelyn

There’s a nice old lady, Ms. Evelyn, living in my street, who goes for a walk every day when I make my way to school. And every single time, this woman is smiling, enjoying the walk, no matter if the sun is shining bright or if it’s ten degrees below zero. And every single day, she has a nice thing to say.

I hope you’re feeling happy today.

Oh, hi, you look really pretty.

Is that a new scarf? It looks lovely on you.

Smile, Anna! It’s a beautiful day.

It’s not just me she talks to this way, it’s every person on the street who’s ever been nice to her, which is unsurprisingly, almost everyone, because who can be so cruel not to be nice to a person like this?

From time to time, I start thinking about her. She must be at least 70 years old, she must have gone through so much in her life considering how things were in our country back when she was young. There was war, inflation, disease… But after everything, she is still standing with a smile on her face and enough positivity to share with everyone.

I try to return the favor every time I see her. I give her compliments, I ask about her health and family, I pick beautiful flowers from my grandma’s garden and bring them to her. I don’t think I ever tried as hard to make someone happy as I do with this lady. I just feel like others don’t understand how her words can have impact on them, therefore don’t appreciate them, nor her, enough, so it’s up to me to show her how much she matters.

There were times when I felt so down, and seeing her was the only thing I would look forward to. I remember her words being the only good thing I’d hear for a really long while. There were times when I didn’t feel like getting out of my bed, but eventually I would because I knew she would be there to tell me something nice to make my day.

People don’t realize that it’s the small things that matter. Even a tiny act of kindness can be something huge in a person’s life. Eventually, little things like these can make a change. So, perhaps, the first change we should all make is try to act more like Ms. Evelyn.